Here I am, talking again about a subject that has filled quite a big amount of posts. The thing is, it’s not over yet. I may continue writing about it but the bad feel I get when I look to myself in the mirror hasn’t left. I’m 20 years old (on my way to 21) and my acne hasn’t got any better – when I was 15 adults used to tell me ‘when you grow up your acne will stop!’. I wanted to grow up so badly. And I grew but nothing changed, absolutely nothing. Pimples still come and I have an entire cheek full of scars that I try to describe them as ‘war scars’ but sometimes even saying that won’t make me feel better. I feel like I’ve been tricked all along. That I’ll have to face acne for more and more years, that I’ll have to wear concealer and foundation every single day. That I’ll have to hide my face for a job interview, for my wedding. It might sound ridiculous for people who have a beautiful and glowy skin but it’s a normal fear, something that I think quite a lot. I love make up and as much as I try to see it as a way to make art, deep inside I just use it to hide myself. I don’t use foundation because I freaking like it, I hate it.
We glorify certain body types while shaming others.
And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to show my face, even if it’s pretty messed up. I don’t want society to shame who I am. I can’t avoid thinking how I’m a victim here and I just hate it. Nowadays there are hundreds of musics talking about girls with more weight and shaming the skinny ones, as if we’re the cause of all that’s wrong in this body image that the society has. I don’t know about you Painters but I use the term ‘fat’ like an adjective, just like ‘skinny’. It’s not a way to attack and it’s not a compliment, it’s just a word and it needs to be said. And same goes for our faces – who doesn’t want straight beautiful hair, exotic eye colour and high cheek bones? Add the perfect skin of course. People randomly ask me ‘have you gone to a dermatologist?’ as if I’m dying (?). And I wish I was joking. Once, my mother signed me for a make up trial and I just couldn’t make it because I didn’t have a ‘skin to use such make up’. We are not born with this self consciousness about our bodies – the society makes it for us. When I was 8, I didn’t thought how disgusting a certain pimple was, it was part of my face. I want to stop shaming myself.
We tear ourselves down.
The message of this post? I’m not sure. I wish I could bring you tips of how to fight this issue, a piece of advice of how to act when someone brings you down (even if it’s just yourself)but I still haven’t found the true answer. Looking at the mirror still hurts. Nevertheless, you’re not alone. If you have the same problems, search for people that can understand you. And when your confidence is falling apart, think that it’s just a perception that society made, it’s not really who you are, right?